Saturday, June 24, 2006

My elves are currently locked in the cellar with the executive board of EA, in attendance of their appearance on this page. In the meantime I re-post something from my ill-fated myspace blog:

When anglophones in France need to present an excuse for exceeding the daily reccomended limit of red wine, they will often draw the attention of their critics (friends, family, doctors, police officers) to something known as "the French paradox".

The "French paradox" (taken from
"refers to the fact that people in
France suffer relatively low incidence of coronary heart disease, despite their diet being rich in saturated fats. [...] It has been suggested that France's high red wine consumption is a primary factor in the trend."

But during my time in
France I have observed several other French paradoxes, which I intend to note in this blog for the edification of all.

Here is the first:

The paradoxical consumption of UHT milk

Even the smallest of antipodean boys and girls know that UHT milk is to be consumed in two contexts, and in two contexts only: camping and space travel.

But the French. Ah, the French... They buy a pint of this foulness in a carton or plastic bottle at their deceptively traditional-looking local grocery each week.

"An easier milk to digest", my arse. I'd rather drink pigeon shit.

Once purchased the excrement is taken home and immediately opened in order to be added to the daily hot chocolate or coffee. Ask a French individual why a total fucking non-pasterised-cheese/cream/yoghurt snob such as themselves, an insufferable wanker who puts the "anal" into "artisanal", is prepared to consume milk that tastes like white-out. They will reply that UHT milk lasts longer.

Not so, for as the milk's naturally occuring protective bacteria (lactobacillus) has been killed by having the shit boiled out of it, it procedes to deteriorate faster than normal (ie pasteurised) milk. Whereas normal milk, does it not last for a week, or at least until the next time you go to the supermarket? Of course it fucking does.

You may, if you dare, attempt to reveal this simple truth to your misguided French friend and I wish you luck if you choose to do so. Survivors are invited to continue reading below to become acquainted with the secondary excuse.

"But you can't buy non-UHT milk here!"

Not so, appellation-controllé-arsed cretins. I have never been at a loss to find real milk in a French grocery. Admittedly, the shelf-space in the fridge section devoted to Actual Milk is miniscule in comparison to the 10 hectares of shelving dedicated to the sterilised semen that the indigenous population gorges themselves upon. I suspect this is because the real milk section is designed to cater exclusively to ex-pats (ie non-French) people: those who have not suffered a lifetime of exposure to a scurrilous campaign of lies and hypochondria.

Moreover - and this is pure gold, my anglophone chums - they sell non-pasteurised, micro-filtered milk. And the taste? Ah... My recommendation: put that in your chocolat chaud and...
drink it, naturally.


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