Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Recently, friends who have read my game job ads that suck series of vignettes have made delicate enquiries as to whether I may currently be unemployed.

Admittedly, there is some truth to these rumours.

You may query my methods, but I assure you all that my current course of action with regards to this state of affairs is thoroughly sensible. While some unemployed people may rush off half-cocked into a maelstrom of ill-conceived job-applications and hasty interviews, I have chosen to survey the lay of the land, and arm myself with a bit of knowledge of the enemy, as it were. Naturally this fieldwork necessitates a rigorous process of categorisation, itemisation and analysis of the game job ads typically on offer.

Petty dole office bureaucrats often speak of being “job ready”. Am I ready for the job market, they prompt me to ask. But has anyone paused for a moment to consider the more pertinent question of whether the job market is ready for me? I am loathe to come to any precipitative conclusions, but a cursory survey of the game job advertisement scene offers little encouragement thereupon and heretofore. Yet I, true to my celebrated perseverance, positively refuse to pack up camp and leave the field just yet. After all, there are one or two types of job ad still under my observation that I have yet to document.

And document them, I shall. You never really thought that I’d finish my “job ads that suck” series, did you. But you don’t know me very well. You are perhaps yet to make the acquaintance of my aforementioned celebrated perseverance. I am like the pope’s mule that saved its kick for 14 years. I am the (admittedly, white) elephant who never forgets. I bear a passing resemblance to a dog with a shoe, or a cat with a bone. I float like a butterfly, while simultaneously stinging like a gnat, and so on and so forth.


The Prattishly Pompous game job ad

[...], and your knowledge of games will be without peer.

Now, logically speaking if my knowledge of games were to be “without peer” I’d be Will Wright or maybe Shigeru Miyamoto or maybe an idiot savant with a photographic memory. Because I’d be the greatest expert on games alive in the world today…I’d be, as the ad specifies, “without peer”.

And if I were that, well I suppose it’s not entirely inconceivable that I once crashed my Ferrari Testarossa or my rocket-propelled armchair, suffering a nasty knock to the head; or that perhaps I've dallied with star-struck E3 booth tarts, caught the clap and gone mad. So off my rocker, in fact, that I would be tempted to go and work for a poxy little company in the middle of fucking nowhere doing ports and budget handheld titles.

It is clear that Mr Precision, Captain Logic and Mrs I. Can Writeforshit do not dwell at your game development establishment. Go ahead, break all of George Orwell’s rules concerning tired cliché and abuse of hyperbole - just don’t expect me to be around to pick up the pieces when it all turns to custard!

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