Thursday, July 06, 2006

I am now nearing the end of my game job ads that suck series. It has been a long and difficult emotional journey, and I want you all to know that I could not have done it without your support.

As Donald Crowhurst, the captain of the Teignmouth Electron, sagely observed in one of his final logbook entries before he went bananas and threw himself overboard:

"No game made by man is harmless."

And so too, no game job ad.

...as we can clearly see from the:
"You Will Require Neither Food Nor Shelter As You Will Be Living Under the Desk of Washed-Up Game Industry Legend X, Sucking His Cock" game job ad
incorporating:
"We're Replacing the Team We've Just Sacked With Desperate Teenaged Fanboys"

Exclusive opportunity to work under the guidance of a legendary level designer for X hit text adventure game from it’s so bloody long ago everyone’s forgotten.

You, a fawning and wide-eyed game industry debutante, will be working on bloated next generation titles funded solely on the basis that this developer had a hit once in the late when was that again?

Apply now to work for this internationally renowned studio that offers youth wages (we know you’d work for less but doing it under the table isn’t legal especially at your age oo-er how’s your father more tea vicar?) for entry level positions created to replace the broken old bits of dead wood they laid off at the end of their last travelling circus of a project.

Send your

* CV,

* fan mail,

* a feature-length documentary film essay on what you would improve about X game title that was published before you were born

and

* letter of consent from your parent/guardian

to:

- address of studio located in overpriced dull upper middle class coastal resort town chosen by superannuated studio founders.

(Please note that we receive so many applications that a combination of self-importance and laziness prevents us from responding to unsuccessful candidates.)

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