Friday, July 06, 2007

I am a mong, a tard, a dipshit- nay, a Super Spastic, even.

I arrived at the Gare du Nord at 11am yesterday to take the train to Lille for a job interview (yes that's right, a job interview). By 2:30 I still had not taken said train, making me a full two and a half hours late for a job interview (yes that's right, a job interview).

Why was this, you may ask? I refer you to the opening sentence of this post. That's why.

For further details, please cast a weary eye over this brief timeline of events:

11am - arrive Gare du Nord to buy ticket for 12pm train.

11:05am - find shortest-looking queue at ticket counters.
(Am obliged to buy ticket from fecking ticket counter because can't use ticket machine because whoring French bank won't post my credit card owing to fact I am sans-domicile'd vagrant)

11:20am - still waiting in queue

11:30am - still waiting in bloody queue. wtf?

11:50am - some girl tries to push in front of me. Give bitch evil look, bitch recoils and resumes rightful place in queue.

11:5fucking5 - get to front of queue. Train boarding closed; am obliged to buy ticket for 1pm train. Oh fuck.

12:00 - ring studio guy in Lille to explain missed train and queue from hell. Studio guy understanding, will delay interview.

12:05 - text friend and game producer extraordinaire, Sarah van Rompaey: "missed train job interview good thing not producer role"

12:10 - receive text from Sarah: "yes good thing. ur so fecking hopeless K", or something to that effect

12:20 - check departures board for platform number for train. Board says Platform 9.

12:30 - bomb threat in Gare du Nord. Platform 9 cordoned off by police.

12:50 - BANG!! Police defuse poor sod's suitcase by blowing it up. But what about fecking train(?)

12:55 - train arrives platform 9. Stamp ticket. Get on train. Notice am alone in carriage. Explanation: Lille not popular destination.

13:00 Conductor notices am alone in carriage. Explanation:
"Madam, this train is going to garage. Get off fecking train!"
Huh, not going to Lille?
"No, Lille train already gone platform 7!! Look at departures board!!!"
"No Madam, no point running----"


13:05 Look at departures board in order to carry out quick psychological self-assessment. Departures board in fact says "arrivées". Oh. Discover other, better departures board on other side that says "départs".
Self-diagnosis concludes: patient exhibits signs of severe mental retardation.

13:10 Ring studio guy in Lille to explain mong/tard/super spastic situation. Can't remember French word for "unforgivable", so am obliged to insert English word and speak French like severely retarded anglophone mong.

13:30 Waiting again in queue to change old ticket to new train (14:30)....


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