Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I was at the supermarket yesterday, purchasing my supermarket brand smoked salmon (because I'm really fecking poor, but not so poor as to lower my standards) when I was confronted at the check-out, yet again, by another one of those cunting advertisements designed to guilt-trip me about plastic bags.

Is this some global fucking joke?

First they make products that we actually need, and we buy them.
Then they create products that by any rational standard, we really *don't* need, but they manage to badger us into buying them too.
Then they make sure all these products are disposable and need to be replaced all the time so that we're in an endless cycle of buying new stuff.
And what happens?
All this unnecessary, over-produced, disposable crap ends up in waterways and god knows where else all in the name of their profits. The environment is fucked. So who's fault is this then?

Well it would appear to be YOUR fault, if you believe THEIR PR, because, after all it was YOU who chose to buy all their crap products.

And so what are YOU going to have to do about it then?

YOU are to buy their new range of products - products designed to clean up the fecking mess created by their other products:

* Channel all your middle-class guilt into this pathetic canvas "enviro-bag"!

* Buy "carbon offset" products from bastard energy companies and toss-pot travel agents!

"Do you need a plastic bag, Madam?"

"Yes I'll take 5!!"

Because I like plastic bags. As I've already discussed a while ago on this blog, they are inordinately useful.

The many and varied uses of the humble plastic bag include:

Putting your rubbish in

This is an obvious one. Only a tard (or should I say, a "Super Spastic", the insult currently topping my list of favourites - please refer to yesterday's post for clarification) actually buys rubbish bags.

Asphyxiating fascists

This includes the followers of Lyndon Larouche. Give'em all a Monoprix plastic special from me.

Lining a cracked vase

According to Readers' Digest:
Grandmother's beautiful flower vase is a sight to behold when it's filled with posies. The problem is the vase leaks from a large crack that runs its length. Line the vase with a plastic bag before you fill it with water and add a bouquet, giving fresh life to a treasured heirloom.

Et-bloody-cetera. The possibilities are endless.

It's these "enviro bags" that supermarkets and fashion wankers try and bully you into buying that are the real blight on the environmental landscape. If you must buy one, at least buy the one I designed:

As featured in Kipper's Mighte Shoppe



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