Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dear Ubisoft*,

Please hire me as your next girl game designer!!!
It is my career objective to be the world's best ever game designer who's a girl! Please see attached for some of my girl game design concepts.

For my ideas I took as my inspiration your new "Imagine" series for DS, the games for young girls where they can, according to you, "expand their creativity while they're learning real facts and real-life concepts".










You've said these are games are built on themes that "every girl can relate to" and let me just say that is so true. When we were little girls my friends and I used to have fantasies about growing up to do all sorts of amazing, crazy things. We let our imagination run wild, dreaming that one day we might have it all: babies, home-made clothes, a full range of Le Creuset cookware...

And now these days, when I'm sitting around with my girlfriends drinking mojitos on a summer afternoon at a Parisian pavement cafe**, my mind starts to wander and I reflect on what might have been. What if we had been a little bit more ambitious (and, or course, had your "Imagine" series of DS games to play) and dared to follow our childhood dreams? Perhaps we would have achieved our goals and not had to settle for being... game developers.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is thank you Ubisoft. You are the first publisher to have a female game producer***, the first publisher to let your booth babes to play your games, and now you're the first publisher to break down gender stereotypes by proving that girls can be gamers too! Thanks to you, little kids around the world are going to know that we girls really can do anything****.

So anyhoo, here are my ideas for more "Imagine" games. I hope you'll find them "Imagine-ative!"**



Imagine: Dietz! Work your way up from ugly fatty to glamorous supermodel via a series of cool calorie-counting, hair removal and arm-slashing minigames! Apply anti-cellulite cream and caffeine enemas with the stylus as you medicate your way to a sexier, thinner you! Just like Nintendogs but you're the dog, you fugly slut!





Imagine: Modern Wife! Do you have what it takes to find a husband and be the world's greatest wife? (No, you don't! You're a dumb, useless bitch who never stops whining and you can't manage to do even simple things right! You should be grateful he even married you - after all, no other man would want to fuck you, you filthy frigid bitch!)

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further material in support of my application. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,

Kipper



* not to be confused with that other major game publisher, Webecunts

** with, for example, Eidos' Sarah Van Rompaey, who made me aware of the Imagine games. Privately, she's told me that producing Tomb Raider instead of designing a line of children's knitted fashions often makes her cry herself to sleep, especially when she's pre-menstrual. Don't tell her I said that because I'm not supposed to tell anyone (girl talk - you know how it is).

*** there were other female game producers but they weren't sexy enough to be worth promoting like Jade Raymond so I don't think they count,
technically

****this is true even if they're infertile and can't get pregnant, because these days one can go to Africa and just adopt a child or something

***** I am also good at writing really funny game scripts so please let me know if you would like me to send you some examples

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