Monday, October 29, 2007

OMG OMG I got to see Ubisoft's Jade Raymond in the flesh on Saturday! OMG do you think she'll fuck me lol OMG?*

Fellow Jade-fan Jim Batt and I couldn't resist trundling along to the "Jade Raymond presents Assassin's Creed" event in London on Saturday with our cameras.

The queue was massive (and slightly smelly) so we just hung out on the sides trying to get good shots of Jade. One of Jade's bodyguards came up to me and said "Give me your camera".

Geez, I thought, how could Jade let her fans be treated like this? But it was OK - he took my camera right past Jade's crowd-barrier and managed to get this great close-up for me:

Do you think she'll fuck me? So anyway, having got started with this hot girl game producer action Jim and I decided to go out the very next day to get us some more. We tracked down Tomb Raider producer Sarah Van Rompaey at her home in Peckham.

Amazingly, she opened the door to us and even invited us in for lunch. I said to her "listen, Sarah Van Rompaey, I've brought you this gift of Mark's and Spencer Stilton and a box of crackers in the hope that you'll wear a cleavage-exposing top, lean over the kitchen table, and sign a Tomb Raider Anniversary Edition poster for me while I take some photos of you for my blog."

I can't remember the exact phraseology of her reply but the general tenor of it was "don't be fucking stupid, Katharine", to which I responded "Awwww but Jade Raymond did it for hundreds of people in Oxford Street yesterday for free" and "Ew! You've only got soy milk in the fridge - damn it Sarah what the fuck am I supposed to put in my tea".

I feel compelled to shake my head in disappointment, certain in the knowledge that I shall be buying a copy of Assassin's Creed when it's released instead of the next Tomb Raider. So shame on you, Eidos, your lack of marketing smarts has lost you at least one customer. Your Sarah Van Rompaey may have nice strawberry blonde hair but Ubisoft's Jade Raymond has a big sexy smile**, which I'm sure is because she drinks fresh, natural cow's milk instead of that soy shite.

* Yeah and I think they had Assassin's Creed on a few machines behind her but whatever...

** I'd make one criticism of Ubisoft, however, namely that Jade's tits are too small. Stevie Case's were way bigger.

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At 2:37 am, Blogger Conor said...

Jade who?
I'd rather meet Kim Swift.

At 11:38 pm, Blogger Patrick said...

Kim Swift is alright, but I like Katherine Whatever-the-fuck-your-last-name-is-you've-got-a -great-perspective.

At 11:38 pm, Blogger Patrick said...

I didn't mean to capitalize the "w", respect.

I like Soy milk, btw.


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