Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Another letter arrived on my desk* this morning:

Dear Aunt Kipper,

I have recently moved into a new apartment and the old lady downstairs has left a note on my door complaining about my boyfriend and I making 'bedroom noises'. We try and keep it down and keep it to reasonable hours but the old bird will not be appeased. Now, said old lady has a very noisy dog who barks day and night. Should I leave a retaliatory note for the dog asking her to stop making 'kennel noises'? 

Help!

A Not Particularly Oversexed Reader.

Dear ANPOR,

Have you considered trying Strychnine? Strychnine is a white, crystalline powder that can be taken by mouth, inhaled or mixed in a solution and given intravenously. I believe it could be useful for you and your boyfriend in relation to this problem.

In your case the easiest way to take it (unless you're accustomed to sticking needles in veins) would be mixed with food just before bed time. Strychnine has a slightly bitter taste, so I suggest adding it to a dish that is naturally a bit bitter in flavour anyway. You might want to try dark chocolate, for example.

Dog chocolates are readily available in most pet stores. 

Alternatively, if you are one of these vinyl-shoe wearing, meat-is-murder types, you might go straight to the root of the problem and off the old lady herself. In that case you'll need a hypodermic syringe, a box of Lindt dark from the supermarket, and kind note saying something along the lines of:

"Dear Nosy Old Bat (or whatever her name is),

My young man and I were mortified to learn that our "bedroom noises" were disturbing you and your dog Yappy Fucking Little Mongrel's (or whatever it's name is) repose.

Please accept these handmade Belgian chocolates by way of apology. 

Yours sincerely, etc"

Once the old lady is found (you might want to tip off the relevant authorities before the smell from the downstairs apartment starts to migrate upwards) the dog will no doubt be sent to a Dog Shelter, where somebody else will off it eventually anyway.

I hope this helps.

There is of course a Third Way, but it is not such a permanent solution because it doesn't involve death:

Make a recording of a barking dog (perhaps even this old lady's dog). Play this recording loudly on your stereo system (preferably a system with a sub-woofer, as it were) whenever you have sex. The recording will drown out your "bedroom noises", and you'll be free to make said noises far into the night without the lady daring to complain about your noisy "barking dog".


* in my new temporary abode on the rue Faubourg St. Martin, from which I enjoy a wonderful view of the rooftops of Paris.

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